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(IMAGE:Some weirdo "''Swedish Types''" during Walpurgis Night
{{wikipedia}}
{{q|''Semantic shifts? I'll shift you, you tosser!''|[[Roger Moore]] (''former James Bond'') explaining the Walpurgis Night to a fellow attendee}}
Er of mentioned and generally popular quasi religious festival, '''Walpurgisnacht''' is a cult descended from a [[Deutch]] [[Faust|Witch]] ceremony celebrating summer on [[May 1]]. Rumours of a bi-annual event are in the offing with the recent New Age acquisition of several [[English]] towns.
Initially [[Religion|religious]] significance was ascribed to the festival along with occult leanings; however the movement has survived several eras through sponsorship right up to the present day. Universality of many areas has been present though all the changes including a Bonfire and there is a refusal to acknowledge the celebration prior to the advent of the Gregorian calendar.
Corporate concerns are the chief purpose of the celebration today and it has been reported that several media conglomerates are planning a takeover. [[Tom Cruise]] has also announced that the [[Scientology|Church of Scientology]] would like to purchase the copyrights for the event.
==Kraut Origins==
{{cquote|Come Faust and we will show you our burnt off crevices and the means by which you may charm the ladies though our diabolic celebration...}}
It was [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], in late nineteenth century [[Germany]], who first publicly recorded the event in his book, [[Faust]]. The true story tells of how local inhabitants bordering the Brocken Mountains found a discarded [[Freudian slip]] from one of the witches who alledgedly dwelt in the mountains. The locals went further up to investigate and they found the Walpurgis Night being celebrated by these [[Witch|witches]]. The villagers saw a whole other world of [[Nietzsche|evil knowledge]] which they had been discouraged from finding by older members of the townsfolk.<ref>The older townsfolk were discarded years ago after their "fertility" became a less attractive option.</ref> The villagers saw [[House MD|medicine]] and the grotesqueries of the [[Russell Brand|latest]] vices that the witches/warlocks had perfected though long years of sorcery.
The townsfolk beseeched the evil masters to impart their knowledge and be part of the Walpurgis Night. The witches decided to accept the locals within the Walpurgis [[Religion|cult/Religion]]. However they insisted that the most secret knowledge remained secret and that only a select few would have access to the most [[Voynich Manuscript|Holy knowledge]], including the manufacture and use of [[Why?:Use a wooden condom|wooden condoms]] and the latest editions of the [[Marquis de Sade]].<ref>It's quite unlikely that Marquis de Sade was alive at this time, however I edit of [[Wikipedia]] and sources are a little soft.</ref>
This new Cabal formed a pact between the witches/warlocks and the townsfolk and remained a strong bond for many years until further developments became present around the mountains, such as cities and alternate methods of thought which ultimalty saw the end of the Cabal in a brutal Walpurgis Night where they were torched in "''God's Mercy''".
===Saint Walpurgis===
(ImageAccording to the most up to date and reliable [[Wikipedia|sources]], this is [[Walpurga (saint)|St "Enis" Walpurgis]]. The Church was keen to keep some authenticity.)
With the advent of Christendom a new Walpurgis Night was needed; one that would facilitate the carnal passions of the priests as well as fulfill the local riff raff's desire to party. The Christians being resourceful decided to invent a minor deity so as to continue the religious significance of the festival as they had done with Christmas (i.e. [[Pagan|Sun Worship]] = worship of Kurt Cobain). Like the other Saints' Walpurga (saint)St "Enis" Walpurgis of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthea_Turner Aremathea] was a [[virgin]], [[poor]] and very devout. She was strolling in the woods as was the customary fashion for the period, and came upon [[God]]. God explained to Enis that she must celebrate the Solstice and God's mercy every [[May 1]]. Walpurgis came back to aforementioned village with this tale of [[Plato|priori knowledge of God]] and there was much rejoicing amongst the townsfolk.
Other ''Holy Days'' such as Easter had to be moved to accord with the Priori discovery of St Walpurgis. This was declared a Bitch by Saint Augustine (former lead singer for the Manichaeans), and he was forced to spend a great deal on [[Christian]] backed firms to sort all of the dates out and provide "''Plausible back stories''" for the advent of each new holy day that just so happened to coincide with the former and now brutally ousted [[Pagan|Pagan rituals]].
The Church eventually merged all the Pagan dates along with their [[EuroiPods|iPods]]. It was decided that every [[May 1]] the parishes would celebrate St Walpurgis with uncapped spending and other carnal pursuits such as [[Orgy|orgies]], [[Violence|fist fights]], [[Violence|fisting]], and, last but not least, [[Schottland|drunken rioting]].
==mm==
During the War the Walpurgis Night served several different needs. For the [[Swedish]] it established a sense of opposition to [[Fascism]], for the Deutch a reason for Fascism and Hitler. The [[Soviet|Soviets]] invested heavily in the one night celebration, with [[Josef Stalin]] having his birth date temporally changed to May 1<small>st</small>, to adhere his awesomeness with Walpurgis Night. Also, with the dodgy Russian heating, it provided a good excuse to start a fire and roast up some unwanted [[Sting|Russian children]].
With advent of the [[Cold War]] a name change was in the offing. Initially May Day would've been the new name. Unfortunately with films such as Wicker Man and Dracula released around the time, there were "''Moral''" issues with the celebration and attendance dropped. Around this time, there were widely publicised exposes of Necromancy, and worse still, tax evasion within the Walpurgis firm. Eventually the old name was reinstated under new management to avoid any further controversy.<ref>Like most corporate brands, 'Walpurgis Night' has often made blunders. Undoubtedly, "May Day" was the "''New Coke''" for the company.</ref>
==Walpurgisnacht Hoite==
(IMAGE:A <s>Witch</s> [[Ned|Senga]] about to be sacrificed to St Walpurgis. The reinstatement of human sacrifice is part of the Daily Mail'S campaign to "''clean up Britain''". Walpurgis Night has turned into the voice of the people.)
Walpurgis Night has gone the way of several other quasi-religious celebrations like Christmas, and has been forced to accept [[Advert|advertising]] and a variety of changes in its current format. It was [[Ludwig Wittgenstein]] who proposed a serious shift from meaning to expression of the night; similarly the emphasis by [[Continental Philosophy|Saussure]] on the signification of the Night provided the real impetus to make the Night far more commercial in the twentieth century. This allowed the movement to be marketed to just about anyone including Bahá'í Faith (''who believe anything'').
{{Cquote|quasi-religious <s>exploitation</s> exploration in friendly bonfire lit environs.|30px|30px|Procter and Gamble (30% majority shareholders) on Walpurgis Night}}
As of [[2004]] the movement has to advertise a variety of products around the Bonfire, and competitive brands must also be burned as effigies.<ref>The current brands tend to be Household Cleaners and Baby food - both of which are burned and turn interesting shades of phosphorescence, much to the crowd's amusement.</ref> There have also been talks of increasing the current festival from not one but three possible dates as approved by shareholders.
Other adopted practices include includes promotion of (or pandering to) Gay/Minority groups to encourage participation and bring the event in keeping with the 21<small>st</small> century. It has also been announced that all franchise outlets must sell Coca Cola and Candy floss, which must be consumed by all attendees - regardless of diabetes or other "''pansy illnesses''".
It has been noted that the Night in some ways is a microcosm of the world faiths and intuitions. However, nothing could be further from the truth, according to the Rabbi O' Irvin CEO of Walpurgis Night: "''The religions want your [[Soul]], but the Walpurgis celebration/s are completely different - We just want to sell you stuff''".
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